Self cracks.

(This post is just a personal journal thing. Not  many can relate. )

As i start to write this i am thinking how difficult it will be to finish this. After all accepting your own flaws is never the easy way no.

So i am this girl who thinks she is so nice. You know that’s what i thought until last night?. I used to think oh my god i am so kind , god i don’t want to hurt them . I used to think i am so sensitive and vulnerable and heroine of some classic romance. Don’t we all think so at some point.

By something that happened in my life i had a scary disclosure. Scary but towards growth. What is before my eyes is the raw truth. That i am not an idol of goodness, of softness of purity because i have been lying to myself and to the person i love for a very very long time. Whatever reason it might have been back then, it certainly had the power to bring down my home , my hope. And how foolish of me to even think that i am protecting a future!. You know i feel we all just point fingers at each others and get on each others throats without realising we ourselves should suffocate our stupid moral scale. Which is not moral in any aspect. We have to die to these little deaths and face those bigger truths before living actually. 

 

Going to profound details. I had tried to protect a relationship by thinking that i don’t have to talk about things . And i only have one advice, never do that. Never ever. Only ruins things in the end. Oh not ruin like Rome but like decaying in a dump. I used to think that i am being the most understanding person. Haha. I laugh to that now. In the end i ended up hurting the only person who means the world to me
If there is anything you are afraid to say, if there is any talk you are afraid to talk. If there is any things you are afraid to question and if there is any history you haven’t told him yet. Do it babe. He deserves it. You deserve it. I don’t remember a lot of wrongdoings i did. But i understand i was a very misled person back then and so i have decided that whatever it is and whenever i remember things.I’ll tell him. Whenever i feel like the ghost of my past is haunting me i’ll go to my sun. Leave that. It’s 4th July . I mark this day as a day from where things will only be forward and raw. From where he will know everything. Nothing scary is happening now but if it will happen, i’ll not let that storm break us and i’ll not feed him empty and half truths. 
It might get difficult someday but don’t give up.

Save your love.

Always save your love.

It is what matters in the end

Not your mistakes.

We are all just drunk on the idea that love can mend our cracks.

Let that love be raw.

Let that love be pure and fearless.

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Us against the world

Hoping that it will just be you and me,Sharing the fallacies of our past,Gazing the distant stars , the warming eyes of each other. We will have friends who will love us. We will be partying at their events, sometime together sometimes apart. But when the clock will strike some loving hours, i’ll be wrapped around your warm arms and you’ll be smelling my vanilla wash to sleep.

Praying to exchange our secrets over my favourite cardamom tea and your english breakfast. I will share how i was misguided and you will share how you were blinded by the lights. And i will weep or you will weep, maybe we both will wet each others sleeves. I am a lightweight so i’ll drink and probably speak indistinguishable , and i’ll be a mess but you’ll find it amusing. And you might have a crazy high scaring me to death but we’ll laugh it off in a warm shower.

Wishing that at nights of our fights we won’t have to sleep alone , instead i’ll just close the distance and put silent whispers in your ears or you’ll just brush away that tiny drop of my tear. It will be us against the universe and not against one another. You will not care about me being dramatic and needy and mind you, i will always be this attention seeking person. And i’ll not mind when you will be cold and rude but then later give me a goofy smile after i get frustrated.

Dreaming that when you say i am busy over a call , i can puff up my cheeks once in a while and you’ll ask “dinner tonight?”. Being understanding the other times. And when i’ll just bang the door of our space on your face you’ll say “well i was thinking about pasta and some midnight romance”. When i’ll crib about how my parents don’t understand you’ll ask my mom for a visit. And when you will be mad at your’s for not understanding your crazy busy , i’ll keep them busy and entertained.

Yearning that when you are not with me and in some teenage nostalgia i tell you what a broken and selfish person i used to be ,you’ll write back a heartwarming note saying but that’s not my baby anymore. You’ll make me strong when i decide it’s the time to be weak . And when you’ll say how many wrongdoings you have done, or how many girls you have dated. How your friends betrayed , or how many times you failed. Maybe you will also tell me about all those people you have hurt and i’ll just hug you warmly and say ,it’s in the past and i know my man is perfection of some crazy flaws. Your flaws make you mine and beautiful.

Caring that when you’ll be ambitious , i’ll make the morning tea. And when i’ll be romantic you’ll order some red velvet. We will build each other. And we will build an empire. Because when you’ll care about winning the world, i’ll care about you. And when i’ll be furious at my work and friends you’ll kiss me to shut up. I won’t probably shut up but still it will be worth a try.
Maybe we will be really different, maybe we will have a lot in common. Maybe we will fight a lot. Maybe we will make love all day. It’s possible that i’ll be a bitch and you’ll be a crazy egotist. I might shout and you might say words that cut me. I can call you a hundred times and be jealous cause’ my man is so handsome. And you’ll cut my calls or maybe shout back once in while. But like i said it will be you and me fighting the universe . And when we will meet i’ll give you short hugs and you’ll buy me flowers. 

Scared that maybe we will have to tell each other about our deepest thoughts.But i’ll do that i’ll tell you about the boy i loved first. Yes , that one. And why i was selfish and broken and why i hurt him so much. And maybe you’ll tell me about the girl who hurt you and how much you cared about her. The one whom you expected to be in place of me once upon a time. And How you are glad that she is not. or maybe not.

Just maybe, maybe not.

And i’ll kiss your jaw and you’ll hug me in the sun. Curly hair of mine sticking to your linen shirts. And that will be it. Us against the world. 

:p Picture isn’t something i clicked obviously.

Ed Sheeran and sanity.

So i am listening to this lyrical song by Ed Sheeran. “New man”.

“You were the type of girl who sat beside the water readin’

Eatin’ a packet of crisp, but you will never find you cheatin’

Now you’re eatin’ kale, hittin’ the gym keepin’ up with Kylie and Kim

In the back of the club, kissin’ a boy that ain’t him

Okay, you need to be alone

And if you wanna talk about it, you can call my phone

I just thought I would tell you, ’cause oughta know

You’re still a young girl tryin’ to be loved
I am having these thoughts. Deep thoughts about people who matter in my cosmos. And it’s just so ironic about the lives that have breezed around me and how many lives that i have touched. Yet there are just a few lives that made an impact. Momentous and marvellous in their own ways. Each different from other. Best friends , soul sister , high school lover and even a passerby whom i met on a train. 

The irony is that they made an impact. Metamorphosed me. Made me an identity within myself and yet they are so far away. Moving places. Bad choices. Some are now just ” happy Diwali” messages in my unread inbox. 
Yet, on nights like these when i feel i am lost beyond the range of being found. Broken beyond repair or maybe just overthinking because of lost passion. I have glistening eyes. Remembering all of them. Because they just bring sanity to my my madness. Like a warm tea in the coldest of winters , when all of my existence is freezing. Melting me. 

Bringing my being to life. I know they are far away . This is just a feeble attempt to thank them. Or maybe just a beautiful thought. 
Ed Sheeran does that . You know.

Breaks me makes me. 

That’s the thing about his songs.

They lead my heart to places that removes the numbness

You meet life

You meet life. Somewhere, sometime down the road of the trajectory of living. 

You meet life in the juncture of those songs that drape you in a nostalgic vacation journey with your family. When you leap into that fairytale.
You meet life when it’s 4:00 a.m and you are electrified, over the phone because you uncovered a newfound secret of your best friend of seven years.
You meet life on those rendezvous with an old friend ,over a drive where you chase the dawn, emancipated of those terrible nightmares you were having the previous night.
You meet life in a small shack on the sea shore, when your legs are dangling over the few feet between you and the raw sand and you see her. The one with the yellow sundress and freckled nose. 
You meet life when inspite of failing multiple times in your college . You get your serendipity when at 30 ,you brag about the glitter of your life when you were nineteen ,to those league 2 first bench mates over a contingency at the bar . The bunks , the weight gain and all sorts of legendary things.
You meet life when in season 5 Ted removes the curtain about the baggage that we carry ,when Dumbledore made us believe in the stardust of love and Ed’s ” We keep this love in a photograph .We made these memories for ourselves”.

You meet life when your heart breaks into shreds the first time when they walk apart and the soul becomes a labyrinth ,only to realise that somethings are not eternal. That most of the pains and troubles are evanescent .

You meet life at where instances in your life. The first salary. The morning prayer. The felicity of dawns. The rawness of the first shot of whiskey. 100/100. Stars by teachers. Love letters and afternoon sleeps. You meet life everyday.

But life meets you when you decide to cease that day and go on with that day as a talisman to apprehend the next ones.

Overthinkers.

This one is for all those who don’t sleep at the darkest hours of night. Constantly thinking and pondering about how to change the circumstances in their lives. Or how to be back to how they were before they got their heart drenched. This is for those who might have been out of the eye of the storm but are still in the aftershocks of that tempest and trying to put their pieces back together. For those who think a lot, cry a lot, break a lot. Who are mostly sad but smile too. For those who try to speak their heart. Who are there in the whirlpool of salts around their eyes. Who think about how to stop thinking. 
You aren’t weak like people assume you are! You are strong and brave and courageous to try to fix yourself up. You have the strength of the universe that the god has bestowed on a very few. The sense of feeling. Empathy. Sympathy. You are selfish and yet so selfless. You love with every cell in your anatomy. Even if you are breaking. You wake up every morning to think that today will be special. Because you don’t stop thinking you don’t give up and do you know how hard it is to not give up? . You have hope all around your aura. You make mistakes and you regret them and apologise to yourself at the night because you have the power to be better. You don’t have a cold heart , you never had , you never will .it is soft like a ripe mango in the summers. Because those who tell us that we are stupid enough to feel so much don’t understand that it takes infernos and blizzards to feel that kind of emotions.You are the writers, the poets and the philosophers. You are born in your faults or overthinking as they say but you float in epiphanies every night. You live to live the mesmerising beauty of emotions. 
Just believe in the powers it gives you.

Feeling lost

Have you ever felt lost? 

I am sure you have. People feel lost often . Sometimes for a few minutes or days and sometimes maybe months. Years. The thing is being lost is not all that bad. It’s natural human nature to scrounge for the soul’s appetite. What matters is how long can you hold yourself together for that lost period. And if you feel you are losing that leash over yourself completely and just one more fall in your life is going to take you down. Then my dear, it’s going to affect your mental health terribly. 

I won’t deny that i feel i am lost. That i think i am lonely and nobody is here to rescue me. In movies there are those cute guys with goofy grins who help you pass put of that phase of depression. And in stories you read about those amazing friends who take you on a roadtrip when you are low on life. But reality is far astray. No one actually comes to help you. If people think you are upset they are not going to come and give you the medicine of peace . They might help you for like 10 days and then they will give up. Nobody is going to come and hold you when you are breaking down. Infact everyone will be busy sorting their own messes to care . 

I know this is too harsh to accept but then it’s the truth . So what are we supposed to do? Give in to the feeling. Let it kill us slowly with the emotional pain!? Let the amount of love and effort our parents put in to bring us in this world go vain?

Ofcourse not! right? I mean how can we lose. Our race is the strongest in this universe. Our destinies are more or less made than written. So when the time comes, when you feel you are breaking down. Set the sails high. Pull yourself together. Steer clear of every negative person in your life. Because that thought of being lost will hang around your neck like an albatross as long as you give it the chance to. Read . Write. Talk to your parents. And i know i did say that people are not available always but those who care might take out some time to talk to us. Talk to them. Pray. Because there is no amount of positive energy that will course in your veins  greater than the one that comes through praying. Remember that the night is always the darkest before the beauty of the cascading dawn. Remember that the crawling caterpillar finally flies one day. Go out on self dates. Help the poor. Help yourself by allowing your heart to be busy in loving the underpriviliged. Eat healthy. Learn to cook. Get an ambition. A desire like the one those kids in nursery have . Take a stroll on a serene beach. Paint. Do not just give up and be upset about your monotonous life. Because it’s going to get better only If you feel it will. Breathe the morning air. Stop snoozing your alarm. Talk to yourself every night and thank your soul for not giving up.

Just like a single star in this vivid universe has the power to collapse into a gargantua and  swallow a lot of things that matter in it. Just like that tiny star comapared to this cosmos has the power to consummate it . So do you. With the power to move this world. Just hang on.

The power of truth

Being someone’s temporary is really easy. A piece of cake .Like you don’t even have to try but being someone’s constant is really difficult. You get those lessons as you traverse in your life. But the lessons are just not enough. You don’t have the one thing that is required to be happy and constant. Courage.  

This important person , gave me a whole piece of thesis about who i am. And what i lack! And how true it is. It went on something like this. 

“Mahima ! You don’t have that courage to take your stand. You work on the concepts of diplomacy. And to be happy you have to leave that one moment of diplomacy and be blunt. You will have to choose , today or tomorrow. The day you will rise in my eyes will be the day when you will be completely honest to yourself and others. When you will face your worst fear. The fear of truth. The fear of what people will think. That one act of liberation.

I don’t know about everyone, but i am pretty sure all of us have made mistakes and some of us are making mistakes this very moment too. But it’s not the mistakes that define us, or the flaws. It is that intimidated lie that we tell eveyone as an action to hide that mistake. To become good in front of everyone. That one lie starts a series of lies which eventually dumps us in a pit of depression. Answer me! Why are people depressed? 

Guilt! Lies! Burden! Baggage. Heartbreak.

 
Now imagine being able to get that throw that guilt or baggage out of your system. Out of your own galaxy. Imagine telling the one truth you were afraid to tell. I know we all will have certain people who will leave us upon the knowledge of that one truth. But are they really worth it. The one’s who really love us with all their wit and will stick with us always. No matter what!. Truth prevails. Lies change

I am yet learning my lesson. But i am so sure i am going to tell everyone everything. Because we can only be liberated if we are taken away from that baggage. Stay strong. And have courage to tell the truth. The way out of the labyrinth is to forgive ourselves. 

❤. 

Channel your emotions with honesty. 

A beautiful thing i found

The value of moment.

What can be better than a cup of hot tea in your hand and running epiphanies in your mind. 

Some days you feel so lonely and the others you might feel ecstatic in that solitude. You know , we humans are such twisted people. We can never be satisfied with what we have in our hands ‘right now’ and that is the major loss of our existence. We search for pleasure and journeys . And we think of tomorrow. We are never in the moment. And that is the great cause of our grief. We always picture things but we never actually see them. 

You know the bizzare fact is that we crave for ‘plus one’ everytime. And I am not a maths teacher here but But i know of the basics that the constant is always easy to work upon as compared to  a variable. Why can we not see the constant. The present. Right now. The pleasure of a present mind.

While i was in school i used to think about the food my mom might be cooking at home. And when i was at home i used to think about what gossips will I discuss tomorrow at school. Why? 

I did this beautiful basic course from an organisation. art of living. And it was a life changing experience for me. I have heard people describing the sleep they experienced after smoking up weed . They used to describe it as eternal bliss. The best sleep they have ever had , but me on the other hand , did not even need to get a drug to sleep that well. That experience is for the next article of mine but the vision  is here. That course changed me, because it taught me the importance of living in present. My guru there narrated a beautiful story , if i may recall, it was something like this..

“There are 10 people in a room , and that room is on fire. There is no escape. No windows , no doors . Everyone is running here and there to save their life. There are 3 drums of poop in that room and in order to get the protection from fire, one young man jumps imto it and save himself. Two people see him and do the same with the help of the rest two drums. And after a few hours when everyone else is dead and the fire is gone. They come out of that drum of shit. And the most mesmerising thing they feel was happiness , the joy of being alive.”

The moral of the story was that if you can be happy in a drum of shit you can be happy anywhere.
I know we have had our lows and highs. Our pinks and blues . But we must not lose our focus. The purpose is to pass the test put up by the almighty . We are not sent on this beautiful blue planet revolving around a yellow sun to live and die with oblivion. We are here to create memories. To make history. And from innumerable examples we have heard about , we know that the victors of the glory of history were those who made their present their focus. Their short term goals took them to the success they had. 

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Stay!

That night. Yes , exactly the night you thought about. The painful , treacherous , soul convulsing night when you prayed that you don’t see another one like this. When you begged to die. Remember that night, when you had your hair in a gigantic mess and your eyes stark red. When you saw yourself in that old mirror and saw no dreams and no future. Remember having all those thoughts about death and afterlife , googling how to die a painful death , calling your parents at 3:00 in the morning just because you can’t hold it anymore. That wretched night when even the ghosts of the darkness don’t seem to scare you, when even your sleep shows no signs of welcoming you in her arms. When you feel nothing but an excruciatingly numbing pain.
. I know you felt that emotional havoc .And i know that you know it has passed. It always passes . That night always becomes the past tense. Just hold yourself together in that night. Because that early morning bliss is not far away. DO NOT QUIT.
It’s just a short effort to help people dealing with self harm and sucidal thoughts.

No. Don’t give up hope just yet. It’s the last thing to go. When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.

-I am number four

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