Self cracks.

(This post is just a personal journal thing. Not  many can relate. )

As i start to write this i am thinking how difficult it will be to finish this. After all accepting your own flaws is never the easy way no.

So i am this girl who thinks she is so nice. You know that’s what i thought until last night?. I used to think oh my god i am so kind , god i don’t want to hurt them . I used to think i am so sensitive and vulnerable and heroine of some classic romance. Don’t we all think so at some point.

By something that happened in my life i had a scary disclosure. Scary but towards growth. What is before my eyes is the raw truth. That i am not an idol of goodness, of softness of purity because i have been lying to myself and to the person i love for a very very long time. Whatever reason it might have been back then, it certainly had the power to bring down my home , my hope. And how foolish of me to even think that i am protecting a future!. You know i feel we all just point fingers at each others and get on each others throats without realising we ourselves should suffocate our stupid moral scale. Which is not moral in any aspect. We have to die to these little deaths and face those bigger truths before living actually. 

 

Going to profound details. I had tried to protect a relationship by thinking that i don’t have to talk about things . And i only have one advice, never do that. Never ever. Only ruins things in the end. Oh not ruin like Rome but like decaying in a dump. I used to think that i am being the most understanding person. Haha. I laugh to that now. In the end i ended up hurting the only person who means the world to me
If there is anything you are afraid to say, if there is any talk you are afraid to talk. If there is any things you are afraid to question and if there is any history you haven’t told him yet. Do it babe. He deserves it. You deserve it. I don’t remember a lot of wrongdoings i did. But i understand i was a very misled person back then and so i have decided that whatever it is and whenever i remember things.I’ll tell him. Whenever i feel like the ghost of my past is haunting me i’ll go to my sun. Leave that. It’s 4th July . I mark this day as a day from where things will only be forward and raw. From where he will know everything. Nothing scary is happening now but if it will happen, i’ll not let that storm break us and i’ll not feed him empty and half truths. 
It might get difficult someday but don’t give up.

Save your love.

Always save your love.

It is what matters in the end

Not your mistakes.

We are all just drunk on the idea that love can mend our cracks.

Let that love be raw.

Let that love be pure and fearless.

You meet life

You meet life. Somewhere, sometime down the road of the trajectory of living. 

You meet life in the juncture of those songs that drape you in a nostalgic vacation journey with your family. When you leap into that fairytale.
You meet life when it’s 4:00 a.m and you are electrified, over the phone because you uncovered a newfound secret of your best friend of seven years.
You meet life on those rendezvous with an old friend ,over a drive where you chase the dawn, emancipated of those terrible nightmares you were having the previous night.
You meet life in a small shack on the sea shore, when your legs are dangling over the few feet between you and the raw sand and you see her. The one with the yellow sundress and freckled nose. 
You meet life when inspite of failing multiple times in your college . You get your serendipity when at 30 ,you brag about the glitter of your life when you were nineteen ,to those league 2 first bench mates over a contingency at the bar . The bunks , the weight gain and all sorts of legendary things.
You meet life when in season 5 Ted removes the curtain about the baggage that we carry ,when Dumbledore made us believe in the stardust of love and Ed’s ” We keep this love in a photograph .We made these memories for ourselves”.

You meet life when your heart breaks into shreds the first time when they walk apart and the soul becomes a labyrinth ,only to realise that somethings are not eternal. That most of the pains and troubles are evanescent .

You meet life at where instances in your life. The first salary. The morning prayer. The felicity of dawns. The rawness of the first shot of whiskey. 100/100. Stars by teachers. Love letters and afternoon sleeps. You meet life everyday.

But life meets you when you decide to cease that day and go on with that day as a talisman to apprehend the next ones.

Feeling lost

Have you ever felt lost? 

I am sure you have. People feel lost often . Sometimes for a few minutes or days and sometimes maybe months. Years. The thing is being lost is not all that bad. It’s natural human nature to scrounge for the soul’s appetite. What matters is how long can you hold yourself together for that lost period. And if you feel you are losing that leash over yourself completely and just one more fall in your life is going to take you down. Then my dear, it’s going to affect your mental health terribly. 

I won’t deny that i feel i am lost. That i think i am lonely and nobody is here to rescue me. In movies there are those cute guys with goofy grins who help you pass put of that phase of depression. And in stories you read about those amazing friends who take you on a roadtrip when you are low on life. But reality is far astray. No one actually comes to help you. If people think you are upset they are not going to come and give you the medicine of peace . They might help you for like 10 days and then they will give up. Nobody is going to come and hold you when you are breaking down. Infact everyone will be busy sorting their own messes to care . 

I know this is too harsh to accept but then it’s the truth . So what are we supposed to do? Give in to the feeling. Let it kill us slowly with the emotional pain!? Let the amount of love and effort our parents put in to bring us in this world go vain?

Ofcourse not! right? I mean how can we lose. Our race is the strongest in this universe. Our destinies are more or less made than written. So when the time comes, when you feel you are breaking down. Set the sails high. Pull yourself together. Steer clear of every negative person in your life. Because that thought of being lost will hang around your neck like an albatross as long as you give it the chance to. Read . Write. Talk to your parents. And i know i did say that people are not available always but those who care might take out some time to talk to us. Talk to them. Pray. Because there is no amount of positive energy that will course in your veins  greater than the one that comes through praying. Remember that the night is always the darkest before the beauty of the cascading dawn. Remember that the crawling caterpillar finally flies one day. Go out on self dates. Help the poor. Help yourself by allowing your heart to be busy in loving the underpriviliged. Eat healthy. Learn to cook. Get an ambition. A desire like the one those kids in nursery have . Take a stroll on a serene beach. Paint. Do not just give up and be upset about your monotonous life. Because it’s going to get better only If you feel it will. Breathe the morning air. Stop snoozing your alarm. Talk to yourself every night and thank your soul for not giving up.

Just like a single star in this vivid universe has the power to collapse into a gargantua and  swallow a lot of things that matter in it. Just like that tiny star comapared to this cosmos has the power to consummate it . So do you. With the power to move this world. Just hang on.